North

"I'm going to get fired---today," I stuttered, "He's going to fire me today." I looked at my coworkers, at the almost spiteful lack of interest in their eyes. For the first time, I understood the urge among TV stars to storm out of an uncomfortable situation, but my exit wasn't dramatic or extravagant. I stood quietly, grabbed my phone, and rushed out of the coffee shop and into the blinding early morning light.

On my third day of work, I was more than a little surprised to find myself crying in the shrubbery between my car's front bumper and the fence of the parking lot. I was shaking so much, my phone knocked against my earring with a constant pat-pat-pat-pat. It was hot, and my sunscreen mixed in with my tears, and all of it rode down long trains of sweat. The mess melted into the collar of my dress miserably, as I explained to my friend what happened earlier that day...the email, the call to my boss, a threat from an client whose rage was fiery and misplaced. I stared at my car smiling softly. Her name is Lovely, and she's beautiful. My fingers itched to drive away from my disaster - I would sleep in the backseat while parked on a cliff overlooking the Texas coastline. I'd sleep under the mesmerizing sound of the waves crashing against the tired shoreline. Then I'd drive back to Austin when I grew too hungry to rest.

***

When my former boss told me that a friend of hers was hiring, my gut sank instantly. She mentioned his name, described his company and the position, and the longer she spent talking about it, the more sickly I felt. God was speaking. Some people hear a voice, others have dreams, some see signs, and I suspect that there's no limit to the various ways God reveals Himself and His will to us. For me, I get a very distinct feeling in my spirit when I'm about to make a wrong decision. But as I stood in my living room, the sun striking my eyes painfully through the bare windows, I said "make the introduction." And she did.

Afraid of what everyone around me would think if I turned down this job, I quenched the feeling in my stomach, and signed my sanity over to four of the worst weeks of my life. Bothered deeply by the knowledge that it wasn't God's will for me to be in that position, I suffered an emotional anarchy I could barely find words to describe. My motivation to perform died, drowned in the hot, boiling apathy that characterized my days. Long days became longer, short meetings wore my nerves, difficult clients became wholly impossible to manage. And in all of that, sleep came in short, nervous bursts. No, he didn't fire me that day which may have been an act of mercy, but by that third day, termination would have been a sweet and welcomed release.

Even now, it is partly the perceptions of others that keeps me where I am geographically. In all honesty, my soul yearns for a month spent on the Spanish coastline, roaming the streets of Barcelona, drinking sweet cappuccinos under the dim lights of a popular hole-in-the-wall. I want to ditch my toiling in the name of adventure. I long to get lost at midnight and climb mountains with amazing names, befriend an old man who has a week's worth of stories to tell me. I can almost hear him now, filling my ears with magic, tales of his years spent laughing in the face of tragedy. I want it all.

But I consider what a future employer would think about a month long gap in my resume, what my friends would think of my decision to break free from the norm in favor of risk. I'm afraid that if I found myself alone and broke on a strange continent, that no one will be willing to bail me out, wagging long, judging fingers at me instead. 

The thing about north is that it isn't constant. When I take my compass out, seeking direction for my life, it sends me elsewhere to where yours does, even though we're each following the needle aimed at N. As uncomfortable as it may be to veer off the path that everyone else is taking, whether intentionally or as a product of circumstance, if you know deep down that you are in the right place, pursue your path with confidence. For me, this means understanding that unemployment can still mean growth, and that it's okay to turn down jobs that I know don't align with God's will. For you, it may mean taking a job that you're over-qualified for if that's where you believe God wants you to be. For someone else reading this, it may mean ditching everything for a 3 month walk through the marshes and hills of the Philippines, immersing yourself in a new culture...or simply wearing what you want to work instead of trying to impress your coworkers. 

Someone will always have an opinion about you, what you're doing and where you're going. Sometimes those opinions are voiced and damage us, shaking us until we're too weak to do what we've always been meant to. Other times, we expect that others are judging us, and we end up stunting our own progress, fearing their disapproval. But honestly, what about what we think and want? Those nagging dreams that won't go away, visions of new places, new friends, new hobbies, visions of jobs that make us happy...

I'm a huge advocate of letting great people into your life and giving an ear to what they have to say. However, there's a line: on one side are excellent words of wisdom and counsel from people who want to see you thrive. On the other side is your compass which only you can see. Only you know, truly, where you're meant to be. Lying down in your dark bedroom at night, listening to the house settle, no one else feels your emotions nor hears what God may be telling you. You have a unique insight.

So stand confidently beside your compass, while considering the advice and love given by your support system. However, at the end of the day, don't you dare let them move your needle.